There’s nothing wrong with a little hetero sexual man crushing now and then. There’s just a ton of men out there guys wish they were. There’s nothing gay about that. Yep… nothing gay AT ALL…
So with out further ado, I give you…
Part 1 of….. Monkey Man Crush!!! Yeah!!!
His Airness. The greatest basketball player of all time. 6 nba championships, five MVP awards, ten All-NBA First Team designations, nine All-Defensive First Team honors, fourteen NBA All-Star Game appearances, three All-Star Game MVP awards, ten scoring titles, three steals titles, six NBA Finals MVP awards, and the 1988 NBA Defensive Player of the Year Award. Need I say more?
The Black Mamba. If Michael Jordan is number 1, Kobe Bryant is 1-A. 5 nba championships, 2 finals MVP awards, 1 MVP award and 2 scoring titles. His resume pales in comparison to Jordan’s, but he’s done 2 things Jordan never did. He scored 81 points in a single game (one) and “allegedly” raped a girl in Denver Colorado (two). Top that Air Jordan, Kobe is the shit.
The Cool Cat (I love the baller name. Philippine basketball players, most of the time, get sucky nick names like the Arial Voyager, the Ninja or the Destroyer). I only followed his career in the collegiate level, at which point he was god. This man was an awesome awesome college bball player (although he apparently sucks in the PBA). Coming from the Ateneo, I hated his guts but loved his game. I’d trade any Ateneo player for the Cool Cat. Yes I’m talking to you Epok Quimpo, I’d trade you in a heartbeat.
The Hitman, the Excellence of Execution and my favorite; The best there was, the best there is and the best there ever will be. During the Hitman’s wrestling heyday, it was cool to cheer for the clean cut good guy. I though wrestling was actually a legitimate sporting event. I’d cheer my little lungs out for Bret. I was practically on the edge of my seat during the Ironman match between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels (which Bret lost). That’s why it goes without saying I hate Shawn Michaels’ fucking guts. You screwed Bret Shawn!
The great one. The day the rock left wrestling was the day wrestling died. Now the WWE has to live with shit like Cena and Batista. Yech. The Rock redefined what it was to be a wrestler. You didn’t have to have great technical wrestling ability or be a high flyer or fucking insane (Mick Foley). You just had to be good at talking smack. The Rock was the master of talking smack. Wrestling became a soap opera for men with as much monologues as there were actual wrestling. I loved every second of it.
The Viper. He’s the only active wrestler I like. Why? He can’t wrestle. He can’t talk smack. I guess I like him because he has his whole Kobe shtick going on (No Emotion, Utmost Concentration, methodical) and I love love love Kobe Bryant.
Serial killer, magician, savior of the human race (twice). These are some of the roles Christian Bale has played in his movie career. Not to mention the guy is motherfucking Batman! Batman! Please Christian Bale, please tell me that unlike me, you don’t wear hockey pants.
Chow Yun Fat
During the 80s and early 90s Chow Yun Fat was a bad bad man. This guy made shooting a gun look like conducting a symphony. Like painting a Mona Lisa. It was violence in its most pure unadulterated magnificence. It was art. Then Hollywood came along and ass raped his career with shit like Dragon Ball Evolution. But before that, he was the avatar of bad assery. Fuck you Dragon Ball Evolution.
“Taas kamay na nga ako sayo, mahal nga kita maging sino ka man!” Fuck! Instant classic. They don’t write Filipino movies like they used to. Robin Padilla is the man. If it were up to me. All Filipino movies should star Robin Padilla, and he should say this line in every single one of them over and over again. I love this line so much, here it is in English:
high hand that I love you, love that we become who you man!
haut la main que Je t’aime, l’amour que nous devenons qui vous l’homme!
parte alta de que Te quiero, amor que nos convertimos en lo que eres hombre
Tua@z kaMaeH nu@h nGuah aq z@yowH, mAH@l Nguah K!Tah mUA61ng CNu k@H ManZsSSzz.
This guy pilots the most bad ass gundam. Ever (maybe except for those racist gundams in Gundam G like the Holland gundam that had a fucking windmill for a body). I don’t know if he’s the most skilled gundam pilot canonically , but I like to think he is because I am such a Kira fanboy. He pilots the shit out of his Gundam and kills dozens of enemy mechs even though his vision is blurry because of all the crying he does while shouting his best friend’s name (Attthrrrrruuuuunnnn!!!!!).
Battousai the Slasher. Ah yes, the wandering swordsman. I love Samurai X so much I watched the show on regular TV every Sunday at 5:30. Religiously. You couldn’t talk to me while I was watching this show. You could try. But then I’d have to tear you throat out with my bear teeth. I loved it so much I wanted to murder everyone from studio 23 (TV station) when they replaced the show with Darkman. Don’t get me started on Darkman….
“Tapusin! Tapusin! Tapusin! Tapusin! Tapusin! Tapusin!” Yup. This list is finished.