Category Archives: Movies

The Hunger Games Q and A

I watched the Hunger Games last night so I figured I’d write about it. I don’t want to say it’s a review. It isn’t a review. A review requires coherent thought and when I talk about something, I’m kind of all over the place. So I figure I’d make a Q and A, ala the tribute interviews conducted by Caesar Flickerman (which were nice parts about the book that translated well in the movie by the way).

Lets get at it then.

Q. Hey man, welcome. Thanks for doing this question and answer seg…
A. Shut the fuck up and ask your damn questions already.

Q. Okay… Before we get into the movie, what did you think about the book?
A. The book is awesome. At first I was hesitant to read it. You see, the first time I heard about The Hunger Games was when I read an article that said that Stephanie Myer highly recommended it.

Q. Stephanie who?
A. The bitch who wrote Twilight.

Q. I see. So you’re initial thought…
A. Was that I wouldn’t be reading this horse shit! But as always when it comes to these things, I did read it. Why? because I can’t help it. I have to be in the know, be a part of the discussion etcetera. Good thing to, as I said, The Hunger Games novel was awesome.

Q. So what you’re saying is you hopped aboard the band wagon?
A. Yes.

Q. Did you read the Twilight books as well?
A. Fuck you.

Q. …
A. Yes. Yes I did.

Q. Moving on. So what did you think about the movie? Did it live up to your expectations?
A. The movie was great. Was it better-than-the-source-material caliber ala Lord of the Rings? No, but that doesn’t mean it sucked. I enjoyed the movie more than John Carter surprisingly. The movie exceeded my expectations greatly. Probably because my expectations where along the lines of please-don’t-turn-it-into-twilight-pretty-please.

Q. You enjoyed it and would recommend others to watch it?
A. Yes and yes.

Q. Any thoughts on the opinion that The Hunger Games is a ripoff of Battle Royale?
A. Yes I do. It isn’t. Really. Yes, both stories involve young people fighting each other to the death. But that’s where the similarity ends. The reasons behind all the killing is completely different. In Battle Royale, the motive behind the killing is to weed out delinquents from a country suffering from over population (I think. It’s been years since I watched it). In the Hunger Games, the games are meant to keep the population in line. They give the people a show to control them. In this way, The Hunger Games is more like The Gladiator (the Russel Crowe movie) or Spartacus (the TV series with the endless blood baths and wanton fucking). In other words, the Hunger Games is like the Roman Empire. Like my college history professor said; The romans controlled the populace by bread and games. In latin: panem et circenses. Now you now where the country of Panem gets its name from.

Q. You actually remember something one of your college professors said?
A. Yes.

Q. Wow.
A. I know. Wierd.

Q. What did you think of the cast?
A. The casting for all the main characters were great. No problems whatsoever with their choices. But…

Q. But what?
A. Isn’t Jennifer Laurence too healthy looking? Shouldn’t Katniss be, I don’t know, a little unhealthier? It’s called the Hunger games because the participants are fucking hungry right? She should have lost a little weight.

Q. Sigh… You’re gonna bring up Christian Bale in the Machinist again aren’t you?
A. You’re god damn right I am. Now that was fucking dedication to his craft! Christian Bale is fucking amazing!

Q. Did you stop to think that maybe, possibly… Christian Bale is just bat shit crazy?
A. How dare you! Batman isn’t crazy! Fuck you!

Q. Whatever. Let’s talk about the characters a little more.
A. Sure. But next time you call Christian Bale crazy, I’m kicking you in the balls.

Q. When reading a book, people often map a familiar face to a character, based on the description given. So before you watched the movie I want you to tell me who you imagined the characters would look like. Ready?
A. Okay. Go.

Q. Haymitch
A. Jeff Bridges from True Grit.

Q. Awesome choice!
A. Thank you

Q. Katniss
A. Joey Potter

I'm on fire and I'm Fabulous

 

Q. Peeta.
A. Dawson Leery.

You mean you were acting the whole time?

Q. So… I’m guessing Gale would be…
A. Yup. Pacey Witter.

I'mma steal your girl bitch

Q. Wow.
A. I know right!? AND you know what?

Q. No. What?
A. Every time there was something romantic happening in the book, The song “I Don’t Want to Wait” would be playing in the back of my mind.

Du doo dooo dooo dooo du doo.
Du doo dooo dooo dooo du doo

Q. Bullshit.
A. Not Bullshit. Seriously.

Q. Okay. To each his own I guess. Last one.
A. Make it a good one.

Q. Rue.
A. Dora the Explorer.

Q. I… I don’t know how to comment on that…
A. Delicioso bitches.

Q. Last question before we go. Are you Team Peeta or Team Gale?
A. … I’m team shut-the-fuck-up-this-ain’t-twilight.

Q. Looks like that’s all the time we have. Thanks for doing this man.
A. You’re welcome. Now fuck off.

Leave a comment

Filed under Movies, Reviews

A Sucker Punch to the Balls

I watched Zack Snyder’s magnum opus this week. I hated it. Why? Two Reasons:

Warning! Spoilers ahead!

Reason number 1: The Fantasy Bullshit is Disturbing

The first few minutes of Sucker Punch held promise. The music video like exposition (to the tune of an awesome “Sweet Dreams are Made of These” cover) of how Baby Doll ends up in the insane asylum is a tribute to Zack Snyder’s knack for giving meaning and weight simply through excellent camera shots/angles. But alas, it all went downhill once Baby Doll entered the asylum and she started having her hallucinations.

As anyone who is familiar with Sucker Punch knows, the fantasies are the scenes when the characters in the movie go all anime and display copious amounts of super human acrobatics, glorious slow-mo battles and other forms of bad-assery. These scenes are used to depict how Baby Doll and her cohorts obtain the necessary tools in order to escape the mental institution they are locked in; namely a map, a lighter, a knife, a key and a fifth unknown item.

Now to my point; the fantasy parts are distracting because of the reason the movie gives us for their existence. They are a way the protagonist copes with the trauma of her situation. Like the movie states, she uses them to “Fight“.

I don’t know about you, but this is how I escape my trauma

So while watching the vibrant visuals of the fantasy being played out, a part of my mind kept asking; “What the fuck is actually going on in the real world?” I can only come to one reasonable conclusion: In order to obtain the items they need to escape, Baby Doll has sex with someone as a distraction while the other girls steal the map, lighter, key or whatever.

When I came to that realization, all enjoyment from watching the fantasy scenes evaporated. How could I possibly enjoy them when I now know they’re the escapist fantasies of a girl whose desperation brings her to sleep with people who ooze sleaze in order to escape? How!?!

I probably felt the same way as the people in “The Soylent Green” movie felt, when they found out the yummy food they’ve been eating were actually human beings.

Reason number 2: The Ending Blows

I’ll give Zack Snyder credit. I was indeed sucker punched by the ending. I didn’t see or expect it coming. But it is also common sense, that people don’t like being sucker punched. A pleasant or mind-blowing surprise is completely different from a swift unexpected fist to the nuts.

Ouchies

The sucker punch ending is that Baby Doll is not actually the protagonist. It’s not her story. The real hero is one of her cohorts, Sweet Pea (aka the one who doesn’t die). On the verge of freedom, being blocked by numerous goons, Baby Doll realizes that she is the fifth, previously unnamed item, necessary for escape. So, she sacrifices herself by distracting the bad guys so Sweet Pea can escape, to “live for all of them“. As for Baby Doll, she gets lobotomized but not before regaining her sanity at the very last second before the ice pick is hammered into her brain.

It was a tragic ending. And it also completely, undoubtedly, unquestionably 100% sure-as-the-sun-rises BLOWS!!! Why does it blow? Because we don’t give a monkey’s ass about Sweet Pea. Throughout the whole movie, we were made to sympathize with Baby Doll and Baby Doll alone. The first 10 minutes (which as I said previously, was awesome) were designed to make us feel sorry for her. The backgrounds of the other girls were only given an iota of development. The bare minimum! This resulted in us not giving a fuck about them. If a little effort was made to make us care for anyone else aside Baby Doll, the ending wouldn’t have been so bad. I’d even go out on a limb and say it had the possibility to be a kick ass ending. But I digress…

So in summary, to have the one the audiences don’t care about go cavorting into the sunset and the one we DO care about being turned into a walking vegetable is a stupid ending. A dick ending. A Sucker Punch ending. If Zack Snyder’s goal was to piss the audiences off, he succeeded.

Congratulations…

 

 

Asshole.

4 Comments

Filed under Movies, Reviews

Harry Potter and the Books with Horrible Movie Adaptations

Let’s face it. Books will always trump their movie adaptations. It’s just the way it is.

Nothing can beat the experience of reading a book and making written word come to life in your head. Because unlike a movie that has a director, writers actors who don’t necessarily adhere to what you want, your imagination does! What you dream up fucking goes.

That being said, I wasn’t surprised at the disappointment I felt after watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Why should I be? I’ve been disappointed after watching every Harry Potter movie made to date. And no, I’m not angry about it. It’s just that I love the books so much they couldn’t have satisfied me no matter how hard they tried.

There are a ton of things I didn’t like about the movie. But I won’t focus on the terrible acting (yes, Radcliffe, Grint and Watson are horrible thespians), or what bits of the book they took out or added. These things are probably being discussed, ad nauseam, around the web. So, I’ll focus on the minor stuff, though small as they are, I think are worth mentioning.

1. The Sword of Gryffindor

I always pictured the sword of Gryffindor to be a huge bad ass broad sword. Probably like Aragorn’s Anduril:

When I saw the sword in the movie I almost laughed out loud. The sword is fucking puny!

You’re telling me that Godric Gryffindor, the bravest of the four founders of Hogwart’s carried that pathetic thing around his fucking waist!? If he did, he looked like a God damned pansy. Maybe Slytherin didn’t leave Hogwarts because of philosophical differences, maybe he was just fucking fed up at how Gryffindor was walking around with a glorified kitchen knife and calling it a sword.

I always pictured Godric Gryffindor to look something like this:

But based on the sword, the guys who made the movie probably thought Gryffindor looked more like this:

2. Emma Watson is too Pretty

In my head, Hermione, the smart over eager teacher’s pet looks like this:

and not like this:

I never thought being too pretty would be distracting. But it is. But in fairness to my masculinity, Emma Watson’s looks are distracting in relation to the attractiveness of the other characters in Harry Potter. Allow me to explain. In the books, there are characters that are described as being attractive.

Like Fleur,

Cho Chang,

or Ginny…

Yet in the movies, Hermione trumps them all! Why? Does the movie exist in some bizarro parallel universe where everything is opposite!?! I’m not saying they should have gotten an uglier actress to play Hermione. I’m saying they should have gotten more attractive ones for the rest of the characters.

3. Rupert Grint Wants to be Jacob Black

Ron Weasley is supposed to be tall and lanky. Rupert Grint is not. It distracted the hell out of me. Yeah I know he’s supposed to be all grown up and shit. I’m just asking for a little dedication to his craft. The role calls for a skinny teenager and a skinny teenager he should be!!!  Rupert Grint should take some lessons from Christian Bale. For his role in the machinist, he did this to himself.

Now that’s fucking dedication.

So there. I ‘ve said what I needed to say about the latest Harry Potter and the whole lot of movie adaptations of beloved books. Yes, they suck. But I watch them anyway. That’s just the way I’m wired. Of course there will always be exceptions to the rule, when the movies match or even exceed the books in quality, like the Bourne movies, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and Equilibrium (If you’re like me who thinks it’s an adaptation of the George Orwell classic 1984).

In case you haven’t figured it out, yes, Christiam Bale is a fucking deity. Worship him puny humans.

15 Comments

Filed under Movies, Reviews

10 movies I can watch over and over

There are certain movies that I can watch several times and still be entertained the nth time just as much as the first time I watched them. Not every good movie has this quality. You can watch an amazing movie once, but not watch it again (or if you do, you won’t watch it immediately). A good example for me would be Inception. Like I said before, Inception is an awesome, awesome movie. But it is also a mentally exhausting film. If you ask me to watch the movie again I’d probably decline (at least for now). In other words, you can’t expect me to watch Schindler’s List or Citizen Kane again and again and not go fucking insane.

But there are movies I can watch over and over without losing my mind. I can watch some movies multiple times; from monday to saturday, and still watch the damn flick when HBO shows it again for the umpteenth time on Sunday.

With that said, here are those movies!

The Incredibles

The incredibles is still my favorite super hero movie hands down and I can watch it until the end of time! And yes, for me The Incredibles IS better than Spiderman, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight and Iron man. Don’t agree with me? Too bad. Make your own damn list.

Nacho Libre

The eagle eggs were a lie! They give me no Eagle Powers! They give me no Nutrients!“I laugh my ass off every single time. And I have watched this movie numerous times.I fucking love this movie! For me Nacho Libre is Jack Black at his very best. If you have to see one Jack Black movie, this is fucking it my friends.

Ironman

I know, i know,  I said The Incredibles > Ironman. But Ironman is still an awesome movie to watch multiple times.

Jerry Maguire

Part romantic comedy, part satire, part sports movie, all awesome. Jerry Maguire is in my mind Tom Cruise’s finest work. He actually got nominated for a best actor oscar for this film. Too bad he didn’t win. Maybe he’d be less of a psycho now if he did.

Who the fuck am I kidding…

Any Rocky movie except Rocky 5

I have the movies’ OSTs in my IPOD. Nothing pumps me up more than a rocky balboa training montage.

First Blood

To those who are unfamiliar with this movie, First Blood is Rambo 1. But only noobs call it Rambo 1. Rambo 1 is awesome!

Equilibrium

Yes, the costumes are matrix ripoffs. Yes, the plot is a bit absurd. But still, you have to love a movie that calls shooting people “gun-kata” and policemen grammaton clerics. NERDGASM!!!

Oh yeah!

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Shake and Bake again and again!

Street Fighter: The Movie

This movie is so god damn horrible that its awesome. In order to appreciate Street Fighter the movie, you have to see it as a parody, not an adaptation. With that frame of mind, this movie is a laughaton. My favorite lines from the movie? There are soooo many. But I have to pick this:

Chun Li: You and your bullies were driven back by farmers with pitchforks! My father saved his village at the cost of his own life. You had him shot as you ran away! A hero… at a thousand paces.

Bison: I’m sorry. I don’t remember any of it.

Chun Li: You don’t remember?

Bison: For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.


Gorgeous

Gorgeous is a Honkong movie starring Jackie Chan and Shu Qi. It’s basically a romantic comedy BUT with kung fu. That’s a recipe for a great movie if I ever saw one. In fact, I propose all romantic comedies have kung fu.

If they did I’d watch all of them.

8 Comments

Filed under Lists, Movies, Reviews

Saturday at the Movies: Inception and The Last Airbender

Gem and I watched not one, but TWO movies last Saturday. This came about because I missed watching Inception last week ’cause when some friends and I went to watch it, we couldn’t get any god damn tickets (dammit, indi ako uso for one week kasi di pa ko nakakanood ng Inception. haha)!

I insisted we watch Inception first because I knew it was going to be one of those movies where you actually have to use some brain cells (yipee!). Marmaduke this is not boys and girls.

Inception


So we watched the movie aaaaaand (taking a deep breath) it was so so so ultra-electro-magnetic-mega-fucking-AWESOOOOOOOMMMMEEEE! AEYIYIYIYIYI!!!!  I cannot begin to describe how much I loved this movie. Leo was awesome! Ken Watanabe was awesome! Cillian Murphy was Awesome! Juno (Ellen Page) was awesome! Fuck, even 500 days of summer guy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) was awesome! I am sooo in love with the word “awesome” right now! After watching it I firmly believe God put Christopher Nolan on this green earth to give everyone movie nerdgasms.

I was at the edge of my seat from beginning to end. The movie was intense and layered and complicated, but in a good way. I’d like to think of Inception as the thinking man’s Mission Impossible. Like I said, the movie makes you think. It makes you think all the way out the theater, the mall, on the way home… When I was lying on my bed that night I was still piecing things together. And that’s good! Thinking is good people!

I won’t bother with a synopsis. In fact, go watch Inception without having a fucking clue what its all about. Its better that way. I don’t want to give anything away (I fucking hate it when people spoil good movies (I remember back in high school, a classmate of mine spoiled the ending of US marshalls, and i almost round house kicked him in the face. The only reason I didn’t was because I can’t kick very high)… But I just have to say, the ending was MIND BLASTING! Not mind blowing mind you, any good movie can blow your mind. This movie BLASTED my mind!!!!

During the last few moments I was like: Awww, that’s a nice sweet ending….

Then I was like: U-oh, I feel something big is coming….

Than the camera pans and focuses on “something”…. Oh shit here it comes… I just know it. OhShitOhShitOhShitOhShitOhShitOhShitOhShit.

Then….

The Last Airbender


….

Words fail me.

Nothing left to say except “FUCK YOU M. Night Shyamalan for fucking up Avatar! (Yes, I call it “Avatar”, fuck you too James Cameron for stealing that name!) The animated series was one of my favorite things ever. It’s practically like my child, my baby. And you took a big fat stinking shit on my child.


My pure sweet innocent child you stupid fuck!! Fuck you!! I fucking hate you!!!” AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

15 Comments

Filed under Loathing, Movies, Reviews

Knight and Day Yesterday

I watched Knight and Day with Gem yesterday =)

How was it? One word. “Meh“.

The movie was okay. It had some great scenes (like the car chase 30 minutes into the movie) and it has its moments when it makes you laugh or smile. I guess i thought the movie was just “meh” because i went into it expecting Missions Impossible 4 (meaning non stop adrenaline pumping action), I didn’t expect to get a romance comedy in the middle of it. Not to mention, my enjoyment was significantly lessened because of the jeje-moron who kept “k1ck1n6” my damn seat (Fuck ). So in retrospect, if i had aligned my expectations to what the movie is about (and if assholes who kick your seats didn’t exist), I would have liked it a little bit more. Just a little bit though, there are better movies out there who nailed the action-slash-comedy-slash-romance better. Off my head i can recommend True Lies, Mr. and Mrs Smith and Maging Sino ka Man (I’m being serious, this movie is a masterpiece. Robin Padilla is the shit).

Going off on a tangent, I noticed while watching the movie that Cameron Diaz looks really old, while Tom Cruise doesn’t look a day older than 35 (he should be 48 or 49). What’s with that? Did Tom Cruise sell his eternal soul to the devil or is he using some hi tech scientology de-ageficator? Just wondering. haha.

To wrap it all up, as I said, the movie was ok. How does it stand up to the rest of Tom Cruise’s work? Not that good. When Tom Cruise finally gets picked up by his alien gods and gets on that big flying saucer in the sky, we will miss him and we shall reminisce on all things Tom Cruise.  What movies will we remember? What will be on his E! True Hollywood Story?  For me, I’m thinking Top Gun, Risky Business, The color of Money, A Few Good Men, Jerry Maguire….

Oh yeah, and off course, who can forget this:

Sadly, we won’t remember Knight and Day. Still… you go Tom Cruise.

2 Comments

Filed under Movies, Reviews